The World's New Gay State

Everything I Need To Know About Tight Ends I Learned As A Young Man.

Posted in Uncategorized by thegaystateblog on October 30, 2009

My name is Garrett Graham.  Garrett T. Frasier Graham.  I haven’t been much of a publicity hound in this life.  Surprisingly if you were to Google my name, you’ll come up with page after page of information on Garrett Graham.  With a careless, casual inspection, the world is obsessed with one of my body parts.  Garrett Graham’s Tight End this and Garrett Graham’s Tight End that.  In case you are wondering, the “T” in my name doesn’t stand for “Tight.”  Now there is nothing wrong with a Tight End.  I like a good Tight End as much as the next man in line.   But I’ve haven’t been accused of having a Tight End in a good ten years.  Ok, maybe 15 years.  But, well, ok fine, maybe it has been 20 years or thereabouts but on that I am holding firm.  Still curvy, still bubblicious , and still firm.

As it turns out there is some young buck roaming around the streets of Madison with the same name.  Another tough, manly Garrett Graham.  Young, scrappy and solid, they say he plays football for the Wisconsin Badgers.  I know the Wisconsin Badgers.  Their state motto on their license plate reads “Come and Freeze in the Land of Cheese.”  Or something like that.  But aside from that, all I know from Badgers is what I do to my husband when I don’t get my own way, which is more common than you might think.

I saw some pix of the other Garrett Graham.  Tall, muscular and wholesome looking.  Really, a refreshingly tall drink of homogenized; probably fat free glass of frothy cold milk, yet with lots of cream resting on top, that is if you can have it both ways.  He is probably as wholesome as it can get in America’s Intestines.  I know the folks in the “fly over” states prefer to think of themselves as “America’s Heartland,” but I can’t oblige them on that.  I am from New York and we have just as much heart as anybody.  I know, because it’s been broken so many times. But every state has heart.  They have heart in South Beach and San Francisco.  They have heart in Seattle’s Capitol Hill and Washington DC’s DuPont Circle.

 If they want to create a nickname that plays off their internal location, away from either end, they can’t have “America’s Heartland,” but I will give them “America’s Intestines.”  It’s catchy, it’s short and will fit nicely on their license plates.  And believe me, when the intestines are happy, everybody is happy.  You’d know this too if you’ve ever spent time in Tijuana.

 So in closing, when you think of Garrett Graham you can think of tight ends if you want.  Just not this Garrett Graham and not this tight end.  So don’t ask me to autograph your balls and you probably shouldn’t ask that other Garrett Graham to autograph my new book called The Gay State.  Does anyone else see the irony in this?

Here’s a little trick to help you tell us apart should we ever show up at the same cocktail party, opera, or nude mud wrestling event:  I’m the Garrett Graham from Greenwich Village, Manhattan (as in, “Why yes, another Mojito would be just fabulous!”)  And the other, younger version of Garrett Graham is from across the Hudson River in nearby Brick, NJ (as in, “Why yes, he is built like a brick S*&+ house!”)  which really  makes the whole “America’s Intestines” motto all the richer, don’t you think?

I think I could learn to like “cheese-heads” but that is a whole other story.

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